fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
