Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
