I can't breathe out the right side of my face
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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