i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
