The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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