Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
