I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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