ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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