Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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