I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
