just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
