So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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