He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
