I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
