I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
