My sheets look like a crime scene.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
