Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Do you have feelings for this penis?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
