Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
