My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
