I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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