I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
