He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
