Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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