I hate your face
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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