dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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