Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
