i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
