im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
