is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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