Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
