I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
