My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
