yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
