I wish I could punch you in the face.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
