we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
