What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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