We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
