I murdered the dance floor call the cops
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
