Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
