oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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