My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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