Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
