I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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