how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
