I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
