if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize