the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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