Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
