We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
