Joe is yelling at the trees again.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
