I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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