my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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