the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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